~PK’s Jokes~

THE (ANNOTATED) CHRISTMAS SONG

Chestnuts (a funny synonym for “boobies”) roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost (and, more importantly, Jack Daniels) nipping at your nose,
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir (ha, sounds like “queer”),
And folks dressed up like Eskimos (although that term is considered pejorative in Canada and Greenland, so make sure to refer to them as “Inuits” and not “Eskimos” if you ever find yourself caroling in either country).

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe (and, as we mentioned before, Jack Daniels),
Help to make the season bright (and, ironically, fill it with blackouts).
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow (Someone should probably put the Jack on a higher shelf.),
Will find it hard to sleep tonight. (Mommy, why is the room spinning?)

They know that Santa’s on his way (because their parents have willfully misled them for years);
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh (and let’s hope that’s all he’s loaded with — seriously, can you imagine the collateral damage from Santa getting a DUI?)
And every mother’s child is going to spy (No one tell Scooter Libby!),
To see if reindeer really know how to fly. (Spanish fly?)

And so I’m offering this simple phrase (The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick),
To kids from one to ninety-two (hey 93-year-olds: SCREW YOU).
Although it’s been said many times, many ways (Upside down, naked, and covered in molasses?),
Merry Christmas to you (unless you’re a Jew).

Jingle Bell Mock

by hawaiianpun

For many people, one of the most enjoyable aspects of this festive time of year is the suffocating full-body poultice of Christmas music jauntily congealing in the background of every last retail store, office, and home during the weeks-long stretch between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. With a rather limited number of “classics” to choose from, you’d think that the inevitable repetition of original holiday tuneage would begin to wear thin after awhile. But, as usual, you would be wrong, because with endless artists recording endless variations of the same fifty or so songs, the listening experience manages to remain fresh and unique day after day, year after year, decade after decade, until you die.

As you can probably tell, I, too, am a big fan of the stultifyingly saccharine strains steadily saturating the Saint Nicholas season, and it is no coincidence that I find myself grinding my teeth down to the pulpy root in pure delight every time the latest underage, underdressed, overhyped, over-processed pop sensation lends her voice to yet another golden Christmas oldie. But despite my sincere and obvious appreciation for the entire catalog of holiday music in general, there is still no single song that I would rate as my overall favorite in particular. And that started me thinking: I may not have a cherished chant du choix, but I’m sure plenty of folks out there do. And since actually asking different people about their favorite songs will probably take far more effort than anyone who works in “comedy” should ever exert, why don’t I embrace the moderately less rigorous task of “making crap up” and create a arbitrary list of random entities and the various holiday ditties that they are likely to hold near and dear to their hypothetical hearts?

…

Hmm, I thought for sure there’d be some objections. But apparently not, so let’s begin! (By the way, after you read the list, feel free to contribute some of your own in the comments section. If they’re good enough, maybe you’ll win a pony.[1])

Group or Individual

Favorite Holiday-themed Song
Grover, Cookie Monster, Gonzo, Smurfs -  Blue Christmas
Hockey players and rednecks  -   All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Sheep   -  All I Want for Christmas Is Ewe[2]
Married couples with lackluster sex lives  -   Silent Night

Swingers/Sex club enthusiasts  -   Oh Come All Ye Faithful
Catholic priests  -   Little Drummer Boy
Alcoholics   -  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Recovering alcoholics   -  The 12 Days of Christmas
Potheads  -   Angels We Have Heard on High; Oh Christmas Tree
Cokeheads -    Let It Snow; White Christmas
Feminists   -  Anything from The Nutcracker
Pugilists  -   Deck the Halls

Deaf people who like to taunt blind people  -   I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Blind people who like to taunt deaf people   -  Do you Hear What I Hear?
BBW fetishists  -   I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

The Duggar Family  -  What Child Is This?

_________________
[1] Not from me, of course, but who knows what sorts of weird-ass contests you’ve been entering recently.
[2] [sic] Sheep are notorious misinterpreters of this homophone — yet another argument for improving literacy rates amongst ruminants. (Are you listening O-baaaaa-ma?)

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on… take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of this might be some good advice.   For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:  FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:  Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:  PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:  Knott NOW!

And finally…

9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:  TittyTittyBangBang

OH, YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FORWARD THIS ONE!

You’ve been MOONed!!!

Happy Halloween!!
You’ve been Mooned!!

One rule to this game….
You can NOT get someone who has already gotten you!
Now…
go out there and get as many people as you can,
before they get you!
I got you first! and you can’t get me back!
Nanee - Nanee - Nanee!
(hehe)

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.

No cheating.

If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in
front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)! Trust me…this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.

REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning.

Here are your choices:

1. Angel Food Cake

2. Brownies

3. Lemon Meringue Pie

4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing

5. Strawberry Shortcake

6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing

7. Ice Cream

8. Carrot Cake

No, you can’t change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.

OK - Now that you’ve made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you… SCROLL DOWN—No Cheating

KEEP GOING

KEEP GOING

KEEP GOING

DON’T LOOK

KEEP GOING

ALMOST THERE

JUST A TAD MORE

YOU MADE IT !!!!

1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE — Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzyitems. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

2. BROWNIES — You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE — Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don’t try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING — Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and la cking motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE — Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselv es.

6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING– Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM — You like sports, whether it be baseball, football,basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy wa tching sports. You don’t like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE — You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.

Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good,

but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad –I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3.. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4.. When you’re scared — we will high tail it out of here.

5.. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6.. When you are confused — I will use little words.

7.. When you are sick –Stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8.. When you fall — I’ll pick you up and dust you off–

After I laugh my butt off!!

9.. This is my oath…I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask — because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think

of 4.

— MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT…..DON’T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS.

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.

Please don’t be a bore & ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humor…

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family & co-workers.

Don’t forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you
so they know you participated.

And don’t go all adult - a senior manager is now known far & wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!

The following is excerpted from a children’s book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names…

So:-

1. Use the third letter of your first name to
determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = din k y
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flipp in
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = p otty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = go rilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush’s new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON…use your new name as the subject.
And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.
Put more laughter in your day.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be

available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage

suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally

pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,

and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and

just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction

by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money

being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky

boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the
difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother
If she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?’

The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’

The boy then went to his sister and asked,   ’Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks
would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between
‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘potentially’, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars.

But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.