~PK’s Jokes~

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.  You are hot and sweaty.  Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following: In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know — you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with th e pretty girl running the register. In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. In your 40s: Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s a ge, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy. In your 50s: Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don’t want to get dirt in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror, and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms.’ In your 60s: Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog shit off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of the hole in your pants.  The g irl running the register may be cute but you do n’t have  your glasses on, so you are not sure. In your 70s: Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they  have your prescriptions ready, too.  Don’t even notice the dog shit on your shoes.  The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. In your 80s: Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart..  Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.  Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.  You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

The Man Rules

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time

to write this all down

Finally, the guys’ side of the story.

(I must admit, it’s pretty good.)

We always hear

“the rules“

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered “1″

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem

only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a

Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the

Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the

other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did

NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have

no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it

will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear!

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…

Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or

golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.

Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger Laugh