~PK’s Jokes~

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were
little:

Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her environmentally green castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap
and said: ” Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. ”
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don’t think so.

Here are six reasons why you  should think before you speak–

The last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

Immediately take the words back…

or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did…

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn’t say a word…

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of

golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls.’

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget .

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

‘right now’ she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice  just as threatening,

‘If you don’t let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity  and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

Then I realized that  Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to GO,

and he said ‘No.’

I kept thinking,

‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any extra clothes with me.’

Then I said,

‘ Danny , are you SU RE you didn’t have an accident?’

‘No,’ he replied.

I just KNEW  that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘ Danny did you have an accident?’ This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks

and yelled,

‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who  will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t,

turned to the weatherman and asked:’So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard !

Now, didn’t that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

and remember

we all say things we don’t really mean,

so think before you speak!

You have just been hugged!

This is the start of a full-scale Hug O’ War!

So hug everyone you know!

The hug is my favorite sign of affection.

It can mean so much, and many things at the same time.

It can be a sign of love, support, caring, comfort or anything.

So here you go. All I can say it will do is brighten someone’s day.

I mean, we all need a hug once in a while.

So send this on if you’d like, to anyone who may need a hug,
send it back to whoever sent it to you,
Goodness knows, we could all REALLY use a hug sometimes.

Soooo . enjoy your hug and pass one on to someone else . .

especially, someone that really needs one! Thanks …

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~”Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy & Billy  Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
MarkTwain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a           philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and            fat.
Alex Levine

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon.
Then it’s time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.’

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. ‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory..
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion..
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked. ‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’ ‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill, what happened?’

‘I got fired.’ ‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’ ‘Oh…she got fired too.’

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’ Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, ‘YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN’.

NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE,HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, ‘YOUR FLY IS OPEN.’ HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.

AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS ‘BARRACKS DOOR.’ HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, ‘WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?’

THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, ‘NO, NO I DIDN’T. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS’

Savor the moment because it could always be on the verge of getting worse . . .