~PK’s Jokes~

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’ She said, ‘He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’ She said, ‘For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.’ I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’ She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $5,000. please advise.’

The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.’

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’ Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’

Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on… take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!

A  guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little  perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I  wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The  parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy  crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I  got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent  thoroughly educated bird.’

‘Oh  yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your  perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’  the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap  my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it  because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’  says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t  you?’

‘Actually,  I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable  competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,  philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy  me. I’d be a great companion.’

The  guy looks at the $20000 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford  that.’

‘Pssssssst,’  says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause  I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the  guy an offer!’

The  guy offers $20 and walks out with the  parrot..

Weeks  go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s  interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he  sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One  day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’  and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you  this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’

‘What  are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When  the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door  in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’  the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well,  then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began  petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’  he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie! , go t down on his knees and  began to kiss her all over….’

Then  the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned  if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my  perch!’

If  this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!