Jingle Bell Mock
by hawaiianpun
For many people, one of the most enjoyable aspects of this festive time of year is the suffocating full-body poultice of Christmas music jauntily congealing in the background of every last retail store, office, and home during the weeks-long stretch between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. With a rather limited number of “classics” to choose from, you’d think that the inevitable repetition of original holiday tuneage would begin to wear thin after awhile. But, as usual, you would be wrong, because with endless artists recording endless variations of the same fifty or so songs, the listening experience manages to remain fresh and unique day after day, year after year, decade after decade, until you die.
As you can probably tell, I, too, am a big fan of the stultifyingly saccharine strains steadily saturating the Saint Nicholas season, and it is no coincidence that I find myself grinding my teeth down to the pulpy root in pure delight every time the latest underage, underdressed, overhyped, over-processed pop sensation lends her voice to yet another golden Christmas oldie. But despite my sincere and obvious appreciation for the entire catalog of holiday music in general, there is still no single song that I would rate as my overall favorite in particular. And that started me thinking: I may not have a cherished chant du choix, but I’m sure plenty of folks out there do. And since actually asking different people about their favorite songs will probably take far more effort than anyone who works in “comedy” should ever exert, why don’t I embrace the moderately less rigorous task of “making crap up” and create a arbitrary list of random entities and the various holiday ditties that they are likely to hold near and dear to their hypothetical hearts?
…
Hmm, I thought for sure there’d be some objections. But apparently not, so let’s begin! (By the way, after you read the list, feel free to contribute some of your own in the comments section. If they’re good enough, maybe you’ll win a pony.[1])
Group or Individual
Favorite Holiday-themed Song
Grover, Cookie Monster, Gonzo, Smurfs - Blue Christmas
Hockey players and rednecks - All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Sheep - All I Want for Christmas Is Ewe[2]
Married couples with lackluster sex lives - Silent Night
Swingers/Sex club enthusiasts - Oh Come All Ye Faithful
Catholic priests - Little Drummer Boy
Alcoholics - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Recovering alcoholics - The 12 Days of Christmas
Potheads - Angels We Have Heard on High; Oh Christmas Tree
Cokeheads - Let It Snow; White Christmas
Feminists - Anything from The Nutcracker
Pugilists - Deck the Halls
Deaf people who like to taunt blind people - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Blind people who like to taunt deaf people - Do you Hear What I Hear?
BBW fetishists - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
The Duggar Family - What Child Is This?
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[1] Not from me, of course, but who knows what sorts of weird-ass contests you’ve been entering recently.
[2] [sic] Sheep are notorious misinterpreters of this homophone — yet another argument for improving literacy rates amongst ruminants. (Are you listening O-baaaaa-ma?)
