~PK’s Jokes~

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $5,000. please advise.’

The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.’

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’ Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’

Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.’

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on… take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!

A  guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little  perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I  wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The  parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy  crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I  got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent  thoroughly educated bird.’

‘Oh  yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your  perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’  the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap  my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it  because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’  says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t  you?’

‘Actually,  I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable  competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,  philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy  me. I’d be a great companion.’

The  guy looks at the $20000 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford  that.’

‘Pssssssst,’  says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause  I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the  guy an offer!’

The  guy offers $20 and walks out with the  parrot..

Weeks  go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s  interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he  sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One  day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’  and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you  this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’

‘What  are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When  the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door  in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’  the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well,  then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began  petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’  he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie! , go t down on his knees and  began to kiss her all over….’

Then  the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned  if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my  perch!’

If  this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all of his identification.  Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.
‘May I see your ID, por favor, senor?’ asked the agent.
‘I’m sorry, but I seem to have lost my wallet,’ replied the guy.
‘Si, amigo, I hear that every day.  No ID, no crossing the border,’ said the agent.
‘But I can prove that I’m an American!’ he exclaimed.  ‘I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other.’
‘This I gotta see, senor,’ replied the agent.
With that, Joe dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.
‘By golly, you’re right!’ exclaimed the agent.  ‘Have fun in Chicago .’
‘Thanks!’ he said.  ‘But how did you know I was from Chicago ?’
The agent replied, ‘I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!’

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?” David’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?” “Osama bin Laden,” David says. “Why Osama bin Laden,” his father asks in shock. “Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

The pickle jar as far back as I can remember sat on the floor beside the dresser in my parents’ bedroom. When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar.

As a small boy I was always fascinated at the sounds the coins made as
they were dropped into the jar . They landed with a merry jingle when
the jar was almost empty.  Then the tones gradually muted to a dull
thud as the jar was filled.

I used to squat on the floor in front of the jar and admire the copper
and silver circles that glinted like a pirate’s treasure when the sun
poured through the bedroom window.  When the jar was filled, Dad would
sit at the kitchen table and roll the coins before taking them to the
bank.

Taking the coins to the bank was always a big production   Stacked
neatly in a small cardboard box, the coins were placed between Dad and
me on the seat of his old truck.

Each and every time, as we drove to the bank, Dad would look at me
hopefully.  ’Those coins are going to keep you out of the textile mill,
son. You’re going to do better than me.  This old mill town’s not
going
to hold you back.’

Also, each and every time, as he slid the box of rolled coins across
the counter at the bank toward the cashier, he would grin proudly
‘These are for my son’s college fund. He’ll never work at the mill
all his life like me.’

We would always celebrate each deposit by stopping for an ice cream
cone.  I always got chocolate.  Dad always got vanilla.  When the clerk
at the ice cream parlor handed Dad his change, he would show me the few
coins nestled in his palm.  ’When we get home, we’ll start filling the
jar again.’

He always let me drop the first coins into the empty jar.
As they rattled around with a brief, happy jingle, we grinned at each
other.  ’You’ll get to college on pennies, nickels, dimes and
quarters,’ he said.  ’But you’ll get there; I’ll see to
that.’

No matter how rough things got at home, Dad continued to doggedly drop
his coins into the jar.  Even the summer when Dad got laid off from the
mill, and Mama had to serve dried beans several times a week, not a
single dime was taken from the jar.

To the contrary, as Dad looked across the table at me, pouring catsup
over my beans to make them more palatable, he became more determined
than ever to make a way out for me.  ’When you finish college, Son,’
he told me, his eyes glistening, ‘You’ll never have to eat beans again -
unless you want to.’

The years passed, and I finished college and t ook a job in another
town. Once, while visiting my parents, I used the phone i n their
bedroom, and noticed that the pickle jar was gone.  It had served its
purpose and had been removed.

A lump rose in my throat as I stared at the spot beside the dresser
where the jar had always stood.  My dad was a man of few words, and
never lectured me on the values of determination, perseverance, and
faith.

The pickle jar had taught me all these virtues far more eloquently than
the most flowery of words could have done.  When I married, I told my
wife Susan about the significant part the lowly pickle jar had played
in my life as a boy.  In my mind, it defined, more than anything else,
how much my dad had loved me.

The first Christmas after our daughter Jessica was born, we spent the
holiday with my parents.  After dinner, Mom and Dad sat next to each
other on the sofa, taking turns cuddling their first grandchild.
Jessica be gan to whimper softly, and Susan took her from Dad’s ar ms.
‘She probably needs to be changed,’ she said, carrying the baby into my
parents’ bedroom to diaper her. When Susan came back into the living
room, there was a strange mist in her eyes.

She handed Jessica back to Dad before taking my hand and leading me
into the room.  ’Look,’ she said softly, her eyes directing me to a
spot on the floor beside the dresser. To my amazement, there, as if it
had never been removed, stood the old pickle jar, the bottom already
covered with coins.  I walked over to the pickle jar, dug down into my
pocket, and pulled out a fistful of coins.  With a gamut of emotions
choking me, I dropped the coins into the jar.  I looked up and saw that
Dad, carrying Jessica, had slipped quietly into the room. Our eyes
locked, and I knew he was feeling the same emotions I felt. Neither one
of us could speak.
This truly touched my heart.  I know it has yours as well. Somet imes we
are so busy adding up our troubles that we forget to count our

Never underestimate the power of your actions.  With one small gesture
you can change a person’s life, for better or for worse.

God puts us all in each other’s lives to impact one another in some
way. Look for Good in others.

The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched - they
must be felt with the heart ~ Helen Keller
-       Happy moments, praise God.
-       Difficult moments, seek God.
-       Quiet moments, worship God..
-       Painful moments, trust God.
-       Every moment, thank God.