~PK’s Jokes~

THE (ANNOTATED) CHRISTMAS SONG

Chestnuts (a funny synonym for “boobies”) roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost (and, more importantly, Jack Daniels) nipping at your nose,
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir (ha, sounds like “queer”),
And folks dressed up like Eskimos (although that term is considered pejorative in Canada and Greenland, so make sure to refer to them as “Inuits” and not “Eskimos” if you ever find yourself caroling in either country).

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe (and, as we mentioned before, Jack Daniels),
Help to make the season bright (and, ironically, fill it with blackouts).
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow (Someone should probably put the Jack on a higher shelf.),
Will find it hard to sleep tonight. (Mommy, why is the room spinning?)

They know that Santa’s on his way (because their parents have willfully misled them for years);
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh (and let’s hope that’s all he’s loaded with — seriously, can you imagine the collateral damage from Santa getting a DUI?)
And every mother’s child is going to spy (No one tell Scooter Libby!),
To see if reindeer really know how to fly. (Spanish fly?)

And so I’m offering this simple phrase (The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick),
To kids from one to ninety-two (hey 93-year-olds: SCREW YOU).
Although it’s been said many times, many ways (Upside down, naked, and covered in molasses?),
Merry Christmas to you (unless you’re a Jew).

Jingle Bell Mock

by hawaiianpun

For many people, one of the most enjoyable aspects of this festive time of year is the suffocating full-body poultice of Christmas music jauntily congealing in the background of every last retail store, office, and home during the weeks-long stretch between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. With a rather limited number of “classics” to choose from, you’d think that the inevitable repetition of original holiday tuneage would begin to wear thin after awhile. But, as usual, you would be wrong, because with endless artists recording endless variations of the same fifty or so songs, the listening experience manages to remain fresh and unique day after day, year after year, decade after decade, until you die.

As you can probably tell, I, too, am a big fan of the stultifyingly saccharine strains steadily saturating the Saint Nicholas season, and it is no coincidence that I find myself grinding my teeth down to the pulpy root in pure delight every time the latest underage, underdressed, overhyped, over-processed pop sensation lends her voice to yet another golden Christmas oldie. But despite my sincere and obvious appreciation for the entire catalog of holiday music in general, there is still no single song that I would rate as my overall favorite in particular. And that started me thinking: I may not have a cherished chant du choix, but I’m sure plenty of folks out there do. And since actually asking different people about their favorite songs will probably take far more effort than anyone who works in “comedy” should ever exert, why don’t I embrace the moderately less rigorous task of “making crap up” and create a arbitrary list of random entities and the various holiday ditties that they are likely to hold near and dear to their hypothetical hearts?

…

Hmm, I thought for sure there’d be some objections. But apparently not, so let’s begin! (By the way, after you read the list, feel free to contribute some of your own in the comments section. If they’re good enough, maybe you’ll win a pony.[1])

Group or Individual

Favorite Holiday-themed Song
Grover, Cookie Monster, Gonzo, Smurfs -  Blue Christmas
Hockey players and rednecks  -   All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
Sheep   -  All I Want for Christmas Is Ewe[2]
Married couples with lackluster sex lives  -   Silent Night

Swingers/Sex club enthusiasts  -   Oh Come All Ye Faithful
Catholic priests  -   Little Drummer Boy
Alcoholics   -  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Recovering alcoholics   -  The 12 Days of Christmas
Potheads  -   Angels We Have Heard on High; Oh Christmas Tree
Cokeheads -    Let It Snow; White Christmas
Feminists   -  Anything from The Nutcracker
Pugilists  -   Deck the Halls

Deaf people who like to taunt blind people  -   I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Blind people who like to taunt deaf people   -  Do you Hear What I Hear?
BBW fetishists  -   I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

The Duggar Family  -  What Child Is This?

_________________
[1] Not from me, of course, but who knows what sorts of weird-ass contests you’ve been entering recently.
[2] [sic] Sheep are notorious misinterpreters of this homophone — yet another argument for improving literacy rates amongst ruminants. (Are you listening O-baaaaa-ma?)

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’ She said, ‘He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’ She said, ‘For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.’ I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’ She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $5,000. please advise.’

The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.’

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’ Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on… take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!

A  guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little  perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I  wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The  parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy  crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I  got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent  thoroughly educated bird.’

‘Oh  yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your  perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’  the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap  my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it  because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’  says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t  you?’

‘Actually,  I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable  competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,  philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy  me. I’d be a great companion.’

The  guy looks at the $20000 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford  that.’

‘Pssssssst,’  says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause  I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the  guy an offer!’

The  guy offers $20 and walks out with the  parrot..

Weeks  go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s  interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he  sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One  day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’  and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you  this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’

‘What  are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When  the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door  in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’  the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well,  then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began  petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’  he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie! , go t down on his knees and  began to kiss her all over….’

Then  the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned  if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my  perch!’

If  this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!