Christmas Humor ….Sooo Funny!!!
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’
More Maxine
Friday, September 26th, 2008
The Blondes are Back
Monday, July 28th, 2008Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. “Look,” said the doctor, “there’s no need to get emotional about getting glasses.” “I know,” agreed the blonde, “but I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.”
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “That’s a thermos . . It keeps some things hot and some things cold.” “Wow”, said the blonde, “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. “What do you have there?” he asked. “Why, that’s a thermos . . It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied. Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?” The blond replied, “Two Popsicles, and some coffee.”
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.” Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him Thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Saved the Best for Last! This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. “Hi Susie,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?” Susie replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…” “What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband. “How did you know I was at Walmart?”
Children and the Church
Monday, July 28th, 2008A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said.
“All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
“How do you know what to say?” h e asked.
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
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A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
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Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt ,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius - the pilot!”
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The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” little Johnny replies,
I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”
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This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?”
Irish Jokes
Friday, July 25th, 2008
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.
"
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat.
Smile and the World Smiles With You
Friday, July 25th, 2008Marriage changes passion.Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Wouldn't you know it…
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along….
HURRY!!!
Blonde Jokes
Friday, July 25th, 2008Blonde Jokes
Q. How can you tell that a blond has been using the word processor?
A. By the spots of correction fluid on the monitor screen.
Q. What do a blond and a Pepsi Cola bottle have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. Why did the blond keep a coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A. In case she ever locks her keys in the car.
Q. What did the blond say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A. Oh, look, a box of donut seeds.
Q. What did the blond name her pet zebra?
A. Spot
Q. What goes, “VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH”?
A. A blond going through a flashing red light.
Q. When a blond ordered a pizza, the clerk asked if he should cut it into six or twelve pieces.
A. Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
Q. Did you hear about the blond who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
